My mom used to tell me to not complain or be careful on what I say on a blog. True enough that it is important, but releasing my thoughts? Yes Im talking about myself, Im aware. If you want to judge me through my blog, its up to you because one can never really know a person well not till you really know them. I mean, compare a blog to life, if you meet me for the first time, most of you may judge a person by their looks unintentionally.. You may not realise, but i know i did when i thought i didnt..
A blog is to log in, whats going on around you and personally i feel that a blog is public to share feelings or seek help through the social media. Maybe you might think i complain alot, but hey, life is never fair. At least I complain, instead having emotions all over and getting pissed and drive my fist into a dry wall.. No offence to others. Reflection is on me.
So the reason for that prelude is to give an allowance to my post now, to say that it is alright to talk about what you feel through the net. I just hope I do not offend anyone, but Im sorry. I dont like to write but type, so diaries, not a single drop of ink on you.
Something has turned off my flame in me to study. First thing is that its hard to get the spirit to study in me, and i have been trying to light the match up. Some people prefer discourages to encourage them to do something. Well for me, I might be different, but my emotions are set that way, not that I wanted to, but I was born that way.
Usually if a person discourages me, i get a low feeling and its just like, crap, im failing.. For example most of the time someone relates me to those unlucky people saying im like them, cant work and all. Discouraging yes, encouraging no. I may have the feeling to get back up but it has brought me down so bad that my legs are embedded in the ground.
If you encourage me, hell yeah, my spark will blow into a flame. For example, I had a talk with Jonathan Choi who also plans to pursue studies in the USA. I was about to take my SAT then. So during tuition on a fine wednesday morning, he said, this is the first time I see somebody in Form 6 who wants to go further than local universities and I tell you, that day i confined myself in my room studying until night.. I really missed that day when I was so enthusiastic to study.
And today, I have received discouragements. They said something like, look, we said all that and he has no reaction. I was having an afternoon nap after waking up early today to go for some exercise. Well its obvious they know that im tired, so they let me nap, but plan to encourage me to study by discouragements, totally brought me into a grudge and, this blog post. Maybe if you said, one day i want to see you working with Adam Savage, or controlling the wheelchair of Stephen Hawkings, oh that is an encouragement.
The reason why i get really upset is because i try, and do. I have been studying at school. I stopped my cocuricular activities besides prom and I was dating my books in school most of the time. It hurts more when someone who doesnt see what you change for good and hits you down like a giant pendulum.
Wondering why im complaining, well its not a complain, its a statement. I really wish for encouragements and high expectations from others, I also am changing and not everyone is the same. (some thought by me being at home, im enjoying my teenage life. where actually i would enjoy more being out there in the world doing part-time, meeting new people and experiencing life to gain experience. Fact is, i love and enjoy going out more than my computer games. Computer games are just to pass time.) By the way, I dont open my mouth when I argue with them because it always sparks a larger argument and it gets nowhere, and we end up not talking for the day. So im letting them feel as if they won the argument, and try to disintegrate the feelings in me for their good.
To those who have encouraged me, My brother for a fact, and friends, thank you..